Tag Archives: Skyrim

Hey #skyrim  players – lend us your opinions?

Hey #skyrim  players – lend us your opinions?

I'm hoping if you've seen my recent "Chronicles of Skyrim" series of posts detailing my adventures in the Dragonborn DLC pack with my faithful pack mule housecarl Lydia.

I'm looking to maybe – just maybe – switch over to PC and start doing some mods, recording my tongue-in-cheek running commentary and sarcastic banter with an un-responsive NPC for fun and profit.  

I guess my question to you is… what mods should I try?  Keep in mind, until now I have been playing the entirely vanilla 360 version of Skyrim, and I personally have almost zero experience with PC gaming… I'm not saying that you should go easy on me.  In fact, throw horrible things my way.  It may be funnier that way.

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Chronicles of #Skyrim – Day 47 – Dragons, It Must Be Dragons!

Chronicles of #Skyrim – Day 47 – Dragons, It Must Be Dragons!

So remember how Lydia was complaining a couple days back about the main bad guy of the island, Megatron Draco Skeletor that other Dragonborn, showing up and stealing MY dragon soul that I had personally … forcefully… ripped out of the body of a living dragon that was probably using it?

Well, the 9 Divines (and at least a couple of the Daedric princes) heard us, and have answered our prayers by making it FUCKING RAIN DRAGONS.

We ran across a group of disgruntled Nords hanging out on the coast… apparently they'd been kicked out of their mead hall by kobold goblin imp smurfs, and needed my help inspiring the troops to get them to wipe out these level one mobs.  We assaulted the mead hall, wiped the floor with the little blue men, and reclaimed their ancestral home… For Equestria Sparta The Blood God the lulz, apparently.

Then, Bjold (nickname: Queen of the Damned Wusses) asks me to go to the ancient cave holding the remains of Thirsk, the guy for whom this hall was named, and re-seek his approval.  She goes, argues with a ghost for a few minutes, and in the end does not get his approval… and in a rare display of intelligence and rational thought for a person in this game, she decides that since he (Thirsk) is dead, honored as he may be, he doesn't get to be the boss of them anymore.  She's going to try and whip the mead house lot back into shape and undo generations of softening and wussification – but she's doing it her way.  I am on board for this plan.

So, leaving Thirsk after supporting her entirely plausible story that Thirsk gave her a glowing recommendation, Lydia and I head outside with a warm feeling in our hearts and our pockets full of as much Black Briar Reserve mead as we could pocket (they go for 100gp, after all)… and dragons.


A Blood dragon is sitting on THE ROOF of the Mead Hall, a fact that you think we would've noticed inside the mead hall, and a Frost Dragon is circling from above.  I whack the Blood Dragon with a Fos Ro Dah and then start lobbing fireballs at the circling Frost Dragon until it lands.  Lyds pelts it with her never-ending supply of Ebony arrows, and I get in close and beat it about the head and neck in a manly fashion with my Ebony fire-enchanted sword.  I even get a kill animation, leaping unto the dragon's head and riding it for a minute like a bronco before finishing it off.  It is a good death.

Lyds and I start looting the body, picking up our usual dragon bone and scale loot, along with gold and a few ebony arrows for my non-inexhaustable quiver… but I can't help but think we're forgetting something.

Oh, yeah, right, there were TWO dragons this time.

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Chronicles of #Skyrim – Day 46 – Into Apocrypha

Chronicles of #Skyrim – Day 46 – Into Apocrypha

Lydia and I pick up the Earth shout from the "Wall Of Obscene Dragon Bathroom Poetry", though now I don't have a Dragon Soul to power it… damn friggin' jerkass other Dragonborn guy, grumble grumble grumble…  and head to a nearby cave to explore for a bit and fill up Lydia's our carrying quotient of armor and weaponry before we return to Raven Rock and barter them for gold, and by gold here I mean Ash Turnips, because (as I may have mentioned before) Raven Rock is sort of a shithole.

The cave is Breckenridge or something similar.  I don't know the exact name because Lydia was supposed to be keeping notes instead of just writing "All carrying burdens and no play makes the Lydia a dull housecarl" a few hundred times over and over again.  It is once again full of smurfs nac mac feegle choking leprechauns tiny Doctor Manhattans dyed hobbits reikings, and once again something very bad happens to their civilization.  

We are unto them as a plauge of locusts.  Lydia reassures me that they were asking for it, wearing such tight-fitting clothes.  It is small comfort… but they're small people, so small comfort is really all I need.

At the end of the system of caves, we pick up the first word for a new shout, "Cyclone".  If only I had a dragon soul to power it.  If only.

And then, on to the next chamber, where I find another "Black Book".  This one is called Untold Legends… thoigh, if I found it, and it's in a book, it's not really that untold, now is it?  Anyway, I open the book and actually get to wander around in the Oblivion realm of Apocrypha for a few minutes this time.

After getting a greeting from Hermaeus Mora, who appears to me as a gibbering wall of eyeballs and tentacles (motto: HP Lovecraft, eat your heart out.  Literally, I will eat your heart out if given the chance), I get to wander the halls for a bit.  The realm is literally made of books – the walls, floor, and ceiling are stacks upon stacks of decaying books, pressed together from ages of oblivion funk into structures.

Also, and this is kind of cool, the loot drops for killing things here… are books.  Some of them rare ones I've never seen before.  The chests have books in them too.  And since I am building the Great Library of Skyrim in my home (I've been collecting at least one copy of every book in the game) this pleases me to no end.  Unfortunately, no Lydia… so I find myself having to choose between dumping weapons, armor, and other useful stuff I was planning on selling… or books.

I chose the books.

I am weak.

I get to the end and discover actual the Black Book, "Untold Legends".  Reading of it gives me one of three potential powers:

Bardic Knowledge – a spectral drum beats, causing you and everyone you are nearby to regenerate Stamina faster (presumably so you can get as far away from the Bard as you can)

Secret Servant – summons a Dremora butler to carry your shit for you, up to 148 whatever-unit-of-measurement-we're-using.

Black Market – summons a Dremora merchant to trade with you.  He sells Daedric armor and weapons and has 2000 gold for trading.

Tempting as the Secret Servant is (no longer having to listen to Lydia complain… yay!) I decided to go with Black Market instead – because it means we can adventure for twice as long, and won't be slowed down by the crappy economy in Raven Rock anymore.  I summon my new special bestest friend, let's call him "Vinnie the Fence", unload a bunch of loot, pick up a bunch more books (because… books) and head back to the real world, where Lydia is about to dip my unconscious hand in warm water.

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Chronicles of #Skyrim – Day 45 – Lydia's War JournalSo

Chronicles of #Skyrim – Day 45 – Lydia's War Journal

So… after collecting all the gold that the handful of vendors in Raven's Rock bothered to have on them in return for our spoils of looting, we took off again to meet Frea's parents.

Our path took us across the mountains again, and then to a small lake, and in the small lake in there was a small island, and on that island there were pirates.  _Were_ pirates.  Past tense.  Now there are naked corpses.  That's just how we roll.  Now Ash Lydia also has her own set of carved Nordic Armor.  I had to practically pry the old Steel Plate helmet off her, she didn't want to give it up.  Now, she has to look me in the eye when she gives me sass about asking her to carry all my shit do housecarl-y things.

We got to Frea's village and met her people, which looked suspiciously like a bunch of old people sitting in a circle passing a joint.  They told me the next place to go – they want me to learn a shot that Captain Jackass already learned with the hopes that I can undo the voodoo that he did do on their kung fu and unzombify the rest of the village folk.  

So… we walked, again, got to the place we were going… and got attacked by a dragon.  Seriously, game, this is getting old.  I know, the dragons are the sort of point of this game (dragonborne, dragon priests, dragon shouts) but you're as unhealthily obsessed with them as Solstheim is with ash.  Anyway, I kill the dragon, and lo-and-behold Draco Skeletor shows up AND STEALS MY F'ING DRAGON SOUL.


It also occurs to me that comas are REALLY important, because there is a significant difference between my catgirl Tits McCloud declaring:


and her declaring


I can feel Sheogorath snickering, in the back of my mind.

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Chronicles of #Skyrim – Day 44So in answer to yesterday's question

Chronicles of #Skyrim – Day 44

So in answer to yesterday's question… no, the Riekling did not want to be our new friends.  I, Tits McCloud the Third, was all like "Hey, little blue men!  Maybe they're llike Smurfs.  Or at least Nac Mac Feegle."  I then had to explain to Ash Lydia what the "Nac Mac Feegle" were.  Jeesh, it's like carryiing around a weapons-toting Dr. Temperance Brennen  with you everywhere you go.

Anyway, after exploring the cave and discovering the little blue men's civilization – and subsequently ending it – we decided it was time to go back and unload some of the crap that Ash Lydia we were carrying, so we returned to the town of Raven's Rock.  "Town" should probably always be in quotes for Raven's Rock.  There's not even a bard to despise.

Picking up the main storyline, we wandered up the mountain, found some dwarven ruins, and resisted the urge to loot and plunder.  For now, anyway.  We went into the temple of the main douchebag villain of Solstheim (motto: All glory to the hypnotoad) to see what we could find along with Ash Lydia's new gal pal, Frea.

Picked up a set of Nordic Carved Armor, so Ash Lydia got a brand new set of Orc armor to wear.  Got a new magic dragon shout which lets me go Super Sayan channel the spirit of the dragons or something while The Touch from the 1980s Transformer Movie plays in the background.  

Found the first "black book" and got to briefly explore a realm of Oblivion before getting my Dragonass Dragonhanded to Dragonme by Douchebaggy McVillain.  Now Frea wants us to follow her home.  Yeah, that's about to happen.

I think Ash Lydia is planning on killing me.

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